Welcome back everybody… now, I hate to do this, but I’ve got some serious matter that I would like to address before we get things started this week. This isn’t an easy thing for me to say, so I would appreciate your full and utmost respect for what I’m about to tell you. Okay, here we go… My imaginary girlfriend, Besty Kakua, passed away the other night (Wednesday, January 16th) after a very long, and very imaginary, battle with cancer. Or was it leukemia? Whatever, whichever one’s worse. But yeah, anyways, she’s totally gone now; never to be imagined again. We shared some great, imaginary, times with one another, but I’ll never forget that time she met my parents for the first time – boy did they seem worried! Anyways, I’m really sad and all that stuff, so I’m going to try and utilize my imaginary situation and win the Blogging Heisman this year. Trust me, I can’t lose with an imaginary story like this!
What a week, huh? We saw Chip Kelly finally make up his freaking mind and accept the Philadelphia Eagles head coaching position – though Kelly will not have the “Nike factor” with his new team, he promises to “pay the players way more than [he] used to back at Oregon – since, you know, they’re officially professionals now and everything.” Now, I might not know a whole lot about the state of Oregon (in fact, I literally know nothing about that state – well, other than what Portlandia’s taught me), but I’m pretty sure that moving to Philadelphia is definitely a down-grade in most circumstances. I mean seriously, have you seen the sort of shenanigans that those guys in Always Sunny are always getting into??! …Maybe I need to stop judging my reality off what I see on TV…
Speaking of NFL, there’s actually some good teams still playing right now – well, “three good teams and Baltimore” might be more accurate. With both my NFC team (the Cowboys – I know, they’ve been out of it for a long time now) and my AFC team (Texans – Texas pride, solely) now eliminated from Super Bowl contention, I guess it’s time to hitch my bandwagon to that old-timey trolley blaring Ace of Bass. Of course, I’m talking about San Francisco; I never would have thought a QB switch of this manner (a semi-proven veteran – who, by the way, is in the midst of his “best” statistical season – being replaced by a young running quarterback with a bunch of tattoos), but it seems to have pushed them over the hump. If Kaep Kaep has a good game this week, I don’t see how that team can lose. But, then again, Matty Ice might have something to say about that and keep his coming-out party going (that didn’t sound weird, did it?). Well, as we wait for this upcoming weekend, here’s a recap from last week to keep you entertained:
Oh yeah! The other big liar in the news: our boy Lance! Apparently Oprah got him to spill the beans in a really long interview – so long, they’re splitting it into a two-show special! I guess that shouldn’t be too much of a surprise though; Oprah’s got a whole TV channel to fill with content, after all!
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
Speaking of useless utilization of television airtime, the Golden Globes aired the other night. I didn’t bother doing any research on it, but if I had to guess, I would say that Anne Hathaway and/or Helen Mirren won every trophy. Or award. Or whatever the heck a “golden globe” is, anyways:
Now, this next video doesn’t necessarily qualify as “news,” but I’ve been seeing this on TV a lot recently (because I watch only ESPN), and I get a kick out of it every time:
*sorry about the bad quality
Speaking of confusing, here’s another gem that’s bound to leave you thinking “what the heck did I just watch? Why would somebody make this?”
Aaaaaaaaaaand finally, rounding things up, we have the Cute Animal Video of the Week. As a forewarning, it was slim pickin’s this week, so I had to settle on a video that combined possibly the three most annoying things of all-time: pet birds, dubstep music, and black bars on the sides of a YouTube video because the person filming didn’t think to turn the phone on its side:
That’s gonna do it for this week, gang. Enjoy the conference championship games this weekend while they last, because next week we’ll be suffering through the NFL’s dead week before the Super Bowl (otherwise known as “the Probowl”). I leave you this week with a quote from a very wise man: ”Friends are like snowflakes: each is different in their own way. And some are imaginary.”
-My imaginary girlfriend did not have a funeral, which does not raise any of my suspicions whatsoever