In college, I pledged a sorority -- and spent the next four memorable years pretending I wasn't the world's most inept sorority girl. Here's a quick and dirty inventory of the actually valuable knowledge I absorbed in the process.
1. Never go full hooker.
2. In drinking, sex, working out and studying for finals, if you look better after or during it than before, you're doing it wrong.
3. Frat boys are far more likely to do you a favor if you wear a sundress when you ask.
4. If your male friend ends a text with a smiley face, he's trying to have sex with you.
5. If your female friend ends a text with a smiley face, she's trying not to be a b-tch.
6. Delicate negotiations among roommates are best approached with a tray of something warm and Nutella-scented in hand.
7. Weeknight going-out clothes should either show off one's boobs or one's legs. Doing both and doing neither are frowned upon equally.
8. LinkedIn is for sober, earnest, employable you; Facebook is for mobile-upload-blurry, tipsy-but-not-yet-sloppy you. And having a Pinterest account is a telltale sign that you're taking your 9. M.R.S. degree far too seriously, or that you're a Gwyneth Paltrow/ a robot.
10. Spontaneous nudity makes any occasion more memorable.
11. Sleeping with someone because you've seen him on ESPN is a poor decision, but a great story.
12. What "no makeup" really means is just undereye concealer, foundation, blush and a little mascara.
13. Any sister who's eating buttercream cake frosting out of the jar probably doesn't want to talk.
14. It's best to be solidly mediocre at drinking games.
15. No one worth paying attention to has ever worn weightlifting gloves to the gym.
16. Dressing up, baking and booking any kind of travel itinerary are all activities best completed sober.
17. Say you "love sports" and you'll start a cute flirtation. Say you "think John Groce was probably the wrong choice for Illinois, but pretty much anyone's a step up from Bruce Weber," and 15 minutes later you'll be shotgunning beers and wishing you wish you'd worn flats.
18. Of all the places you can choose to vomit, into your own running shoe is one of the most regrettable.
19. House flip cup rules are to be f-cked with at one's own peril.
20. When there's no rubbing alcohol to clean up an injury, Skol vodka is an acceptable substitute.
21. The sister who holds your hair in a bathroom stall is a good friend, but the sister who holds your hand at a pharmacy counter is your best friend.
22. Emotional validation is always a welcome way of showing someone how much you care. So is a cupcake.
23. Pickle juice and high fives are the best chasers.
24. If you have shower sex in the sorority house bathroom, you deserve it when your sisters slow-clap your entrance at breakfast.
25. There's always a casualty when there's Jaegermeister involved.