Weekly with Carly: Relationships 101

By: Carly Clegg
By: Carly Clegg

College Station, Texas Feb. 28th: Season of Singleness


Being SINGLE is so much better than being LIED to, CHEATED on and DISRESPECTED. Being SINGLE is far better than being part of a broken RELATIONSHIP. Being SINGLE is not a STATUS, it is a word that SHOWS that you are STRONG enough to ENJOY your life without DEPENDING on others.

…..ok I got that quote off of Google images-I thought some of you might like that…

We can also thank Taylor Swift for (cheesiness) and for giving us every single girl (or guy) anthem! She or Avril Lavigne.

Those girls take their relationships, good or bad, broken up, on a break, or currently together and make a song about it. It’s almost comical to be shouting “But she wears short skirts, I wear T-shirts She's Cheer Captain and I'm on the bleachers Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find That what you're looking for has been here the whole time If you could see that I'm the one who understands you Been here all along, so why can't you see? You belong with me” at the top of your lungs, but when you actually connect with it is when life needs to be analyzed a little more. Why, dear girl (or guy) are you looking/wanting something you can’t have? As C L A S S I C as this mistake is to so many people, I can’t help but wonder why people don’t look at the other fishies in the sea.

Or (on the other hand) you can celebrate singleness with P!nk and jam to U+Ur Hand. Plain and simple.

No matter what situation you’re in-take the five minutes to read this blog and learn something today-that even though you’re in a season of singleness-you’re in it for a reason. So put your big girl/boy pants on, listen up, and be encouraged by His promise!

So you’re single, some people might be happy about that, some might wish they weren’t, some probably are indifferent to the matter, some are patient, some avoid it-like the plague, some enjoy it, some take the situation as it comes, some even don’t ever wish to get out of singleness-whichever way you choose to look at being single, whoever you are, wherever you’ve been-you have your own story- and I am not a person to tell you how to feel, how to act, and how to just get OVER IT.

But if you’re like me, your mind is constantly on the go. And it.is.ex.hausting. Sometimes I just want to go up in my skull and scream “CAN WE TAKE A BREAK FOR A SECOND SO I CAN ACTUALLY HEAR MY OWN LOGICAL THOUGHTS!!”

My thoughts are constantly feeding me lies about myself--negative lies about my appearance, my personal relationships, lack of God’s love for me, my intelligence, self-doubt, self-worth, self-confidence, insecurity, filled with anxiety, worry, fear, nervousness and stress- all to make myself think less of myself!

All of these thoughts in your mind at once can break a person. When I let myself become overwhelmed with the enemy’s lies-I become so weak, so broken, and so distant to who I truly am.

Satan is the last person who wants to see you succeed and most definitely the first to watch you crumble and feed your mind with anything but encouragement. If you’re unsure about what it means to have the subtle “lies” of Satan placed into our thoughts, just simply look at it as aaaaall of the negative feelings in our lives, and know that it’s not coming from the Lord.

If it weirds you out to think of these thoughts in this way, just consider these ‘doubts’ (for this blog) lies of singleness:

Lie 1: You’re single because you’re…
You can finish the sentence yourself—just insert your adjective of choice. For me, it used to vary from ‘ugly’ to ‘not as popular’ to ‘not good enough,’ to ‘I have a relationship with my cat’ to ‘I find ice cream more attractive than the treadmill’ depending on the day.
Please don’t think you’re the only one. Being single can come with a lot of pressure (and it takes a lot of energy), like always feeling like you have to look your best, feel your best, and act your best no matter if you’re at your work’s holiday gala or going to the grocery store. To be single kind of means you’re up for grabs for anyone else that’s single. That’s a lot. That’s a lot of shoulda, coulda, wouldas…that’s also a lot of “heck nos” and “I’m not pretty enough for that” or even “I’m too good for that.”

Lie #1 may vary, but at the end of the day we all might ask ourselves the same questions:

“When Lord? When will I get asked out? When will a guy/girl like me? When will I have my chance at love? When will I meet my husband/wife?”

Sweet reader, let me remind you that God is always at work in our lives—we may not know how, we may not understand—but we must believe. And believing is sometimes the hardest part. So I want to encourage you to persevere during this time to yourself. I also want to challenge you to be the best you can be! (cheesy again) Try to get that promotion at work, if you’re able-travel the world, make all As if you’re still in school, become good at something-anything, learn to cook, draw, skydive-YOU NAME IT. Sounds fun doesn’t it? It is-because if you’re called to singleness right now-that only means something even greater than dating is around the corner! The unknown is probably the scariest feeling, but it can be exhilarating if you face it confidently, with your chin up, and eyes forward!

Lie 2: Because no-one has dated you, you have no value

First of all, you cannot be made valuable, because you already are valuable

Second of all, unfortunately, many women think the fact that no man has chosen them for a wife is a reflection on them, and that it means they can’t possibly have any value. I suppose this comes with the thought that our value comes from how other people see us, and I completely am guilty of this. I will go to SO many lengths to make sure people think the best of me. And that’s not to say that I’m a fake person, but I’d rather not put my burden on anyone else, and put on a mask that shows the exact opposite of how I really feel. So ultimately, no matter how hard you try to please someone with who you are as a person (masks and all) it will never measure your value. (I will be brief on the fact that if someone falls for your masks-they’re not worth it in the long run.)

Also-please do not ever ever think that your value comes from what you do. As a college student myself, I have become so independent, but at times-when I’m going, going, going, building my resume, and gathering every talent I have to make myself look better on paper-I become a victim of thinking that my value comes from my resume. That I’m not good enough for this company, or this graduate school, or this group of people. But what about the real us-who we are on the inside and what we want to really do, and how we really contribute to others. It’s the you that goes beyond description, the you that has no limits, the you that really matters. Your heart. Your passions.

Maybe no one has dated you because God wants you to truly trust Him and build a solid foundation with Him first. Maybe it’s because He is using you in a mighty way that couldn’t be done if you were dating right now…M I G H T Y. That’s a big word. And a bigger responsibility. If I were you, I’d hang tight and brace yourself for what’s to come. Because when I think mighty-I think Mt. Everest, New York City, Goliath, or the Atlantic Ocean!

Lie 3: Getting married/dating will fix all your problems

No. Please don’t think this.

If you have problems jumping into a committed relationship won’t make things any easier-BUT I can totally see how one would think that…having a shoulder to cry on, growing with someone intimately yadda yadda yadda- I just wouldn’t rely on this to ‘fix’ my problems.

‘Instead of preoccupation with finding the man or woman you want to marry, use this season to become the man or woman that God wants you to be. A humble heart will see singleness as a time to draw near to the Lord and reflect on how you need to change to become more like Him. As you follow Jesus and ask Him to transform your heart, you are going to begin to attract the right kind of man or woman.’

Lie 4: You’ve got to find The One

According to statics, most likely you will get married.

But more importantly, take HOPE that God knows your heart.

He sees you.

He is for you.

Lie 5: It’s too hard to be single and you can’t keep on going

Blogger Jeff Cherry makes such a great point that “Instead of constantly trying to get out (of singleness) maybe we should consider why we’re in. Instead of loathing maybe we should be celebrating. Instead of frantically questioning maybe we should peacefully be trusting.”

I just LOVE that! Celebrating! Trusting! Not loathing! Thanks to being in a long distance relationship, Trent and I have been able to learn so many things together-separately. And because we have individual lives, we are able to experience singleness in a different light. I have taken these past four years as an opportunity to give pour my heart into others, striving to be the best friend I can be, trying to go the extra mile with everything and anything I set my mind to.

Yes, I agree with you-not having someone to go on a date with, smooch on, hold hands with, or be silly with is hard because we are made to LOVE!

But it’s not too hard to where you can’t keep going. Each of these lies might all sound the same because they practically are! They are all purposely placed in our minds to break us down-but from now until forever let’s take a stand at these thoughts and look at the lemons God gives us and run with them. For His ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Is. 55:9

I’m pumped!

I’m excited for you! Leave me a comment and share how you’ve made the best out of singleness! I am here for you! For understanding and celebration.

Be kind to one another!

You know what’s even better about being single? GIRLFRIENDS-ok guyfriends too ;)

I have learned so much from them-now you get to too! Enjoy!

Being single is some of the most fun times of your life! You don’t have to answer to anyone, worry about anyone else is doing or be concerned about pleasing someone other than yourself. You learn most about yourself when you’re single and you can take time to appreciate other people’s relationships, I think. When I’m single, I’m able to look at my friend’s relationships and say that’s something I want in my relationship, and that’s something I don’t want. On the other hand, it’s hard to be single after you’ve dated fairly consistently. This is the first time I’ve been single in about four years and I have to say, sometimes it gets lonely. But I like being able to flirt with whomever and not feel bad about it. Flirting is one of my favorite past times!

All through high school and the first years of college, I was consistently single. Sure, I may have “talked” to guys here and there, but when it came to being a third-wheel, I was a pro. And for so many years, I beat myself up for that. I hated being single. I placed my value on the fact that I didn’t have love or that I wasn’t noticed, and it tore me apart.
Looking back, I so desperately wish that someone had slapped some sense in to me. I spent so much time, energy, and emotion into what I was NOT, rather than focusing on what I WAS. Let me tell you… that was exhausting, and maybe you can relate. But I am here to tell you this- breathe. Be still. Take a step back and try to be open-minded to the incredible benefits of the single life. Am I talking about benefits in the sense of: no commitment, no regard for anyone’s feelings or hearts, and taking advantage of the other gender? No, that is not what I’m talking about. What I am saying is that your season of singleness can be so good for your soul, if you let it be. You have the time and undivided attention to work on who you are. You have the availability to have a million friends and float from social circle to social circle with no concern. You can begin to learn who you are and how you operate, so that when that special someone does come along, you aren’t trying to figure out who you are while also figuring out whom he or she is. I wish that I had spent my time working on the kind of girlfriend/fiancée/wife that I would be, rather than wondering what kind of woman I would become from being those things. I focused more on how that season would change me rather than focusing on the changes I could make to better who I was at that time. The power is in your hands to love yourself for where you are at and look forward in the hope that your sweet romance will come, when the time is right.

Now being married, I wish that I had waited for every single thing. I wish that I had come to my husband with a first kiss to give. I wish that he had been the first man I had said, “I love you” to. I am so thankful that even though I didn’t have those things to give, I had everything else. I was able to give him my purity on our wedding night, as he gave me the same gift. I think back to my days of loneliness, of being so tempted to give in to the sleazy boys who wanted my attention, and I am so thankful that there was something inside me that said, “He will be so worth the wait.” And he is. He is the most wonderful man in the world and has blessed my life more than words can express. That can be your story as well. No matter where you’ve been or what you’ve done, you can choose today to hope in your future. Embrace this season of singleness and get to know yourself. Relish in your friendships and spend time with everyone you can. Go on lots of trips and allow yourself to take chances. Because, though a relationship and even marriage are an incredible gift, they also change your life, as it becomes about the two of you together. The single life is a gift, just as the relationship life is a gift. But both of these things require a choice to be joyful in where you are at.

Learn why to Enjoy Being Single Here

Oh and by the way Spring break is about two weeks away so…check out this blog-whether or not you’re a mom- or like thin mints- or get the Victoria’s Secret Swim Suit magazine (as if you were saving up for a VS suit) check out this blog for a Friday laugh! Time to start running ;)

Have a happy weekend!

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